Grief through my eyes

I am very apprehensive in writing this story on my Grief journey following Gillian’s passing away twenty two months ago.

Please forgive me if I make any errors in what I write as this is extremely daunting for a person going through The Grief Process Journey like I am.

As I said it’s twenty two months since Gillian’s death on December 15^th 2023. To me it only feels like eight or nine months, how time has flown bye. I started my Bereavement Support on 31^st January 2024 in the hands of Linda Nott.

A very caring and calming lady who is guiding me through The Grief Process journey. I found the first meeting very difficult as I did not know what to expect, however Linda explained the process to me which sort of calmed me down even though my emotions are all over the place.

Sessions are draining both physically and mentally for me. I have no anger or guilt so that is good for me in the process I go through.

I’m now finding Grief quite traumatic and very overwhelming however Linda is there to reassure me that this is all part of the process. As I’ve said in my first story Grief is like WAVES OFF THE SEA.

Walking on the beach has been a big help to me as I process things in my head, also when the dogs are with me I offload to them my feelings however they cannot speak back to you but they are there as a support for me, both Ollie and Kodi have been a godsend. There has been times I’ve screamed on the beach as we walk which to me has helped enormously and I don’t care who hears me!

Times on the walk require a sit on a bench to stare out to sea watching the waves roll in. You see calming waves, rollers coming in and then very rough waves which is like my Grief. Yes staring at the sea is a helpful mechanism in the journey.

As we move forward in 2024 Gillian’s affairs are attended to and these are stressful and painful. Her Ashes ceremony was held in Dornoch, Northern Scotland a place we love in late May 2024.

The Scattering off Gillian’s Ashes was the hardest and most traumatic thing I have ever done in my life. It was overwhelming Letting Her Go! However we got through it. She is in a beautiful place overlooking the Dornoch Firth and at peace now.

Time is moving on, I see Linda every four weeks for Support, my understanding of Grief  is improving I think. There is so much to take in to allow what I have bottled up inside me out.

When it comes out it is mentally draining, however it’s got to be done. I am content how Linda is looking after me and nothing is rushed in the process. My ‘Wobbles’ of Grief are still occurring, it’s like being ‘Ambushed’ at times, no triggers are needed to set me off into tears! I allow my emotions to run free as I deal with them in my own way and it hurts!

I realise now how much ‘baggage’ I’ve carried for a very long time is slowly being prised out of me by Linda.

There are times I don’t venture out if I’m feeling bad, I stay in my safe place my home. I know family and friends are there for support but I do not burden them to much as they have lives to live themselves.

Many people shy away from talking about Gillian and my Grief to me which can be upsetting. Grief is hurting, Grief is painful for the bereaved one and so many people don’t realise that!

You find out after a while at home there is NO HUGS, NO CONVERSATIONS, NO COMPANIONSHIP, NO HOLIDAYS TOGETHER, NO COOKING FOR TWO, NO BEING THEIR FOR EACH OTHER, NO SPATS, NO SITTING TOGETHER WATCHING TV, all these and more are gone forever!

It’s painful in The Grieving Process I go through. However I take some comfort that her presence is still in the home and around me. There is also comfort off the ‘WHITE FEATHERS’ that arrive from time to time around the house. I have also put together a photo album off Gillian for myself which helps me along.

Now the nights are drawing in and curtains shut much earlier the night is longer as you sit alone wondering what the future will bring? I shed tears when alone as the hurt invades my emotional feelings.

Yes Gillian my loved one is SORELY MISSED BY ME as Grief tears you apart. With Grief comes erratic sleeping night after night, something I can’t control. This has gone on since before covid and I never get near eight hours clear sleep. My nights are broken wakening up two, three or more times most nights off the week . When it’s bad the following day is rubbish . 

Some off this comes from being alert for Gillian when she required help in the night. I certainly don’t blame her for my sleeping behaviour as I was always there for her.

I live with it and understand it could be my normal life at night now. As the Grief journey goes on Linda says I’m doing well so that gives me hope for the future. I honestly don’t know what normal life is for me yet and what the future may bring.

The Grief Process continues, the pain, hurt and stress still exists, it consumes you very quickly at times so I do not fight it. At times it feels like a punishment going through Bereavement however it’s what I have to endure like many other bereaved  people . Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel as the journey progresses.

Reality off Grief does not sit well with me to be honest, after thirty seven years with Gillian to be alone feels brutal.

I have tried to be open in this story, it has been stressful and difficult to write. I hope if more people like me can find the strength to write about their Grief it can be off help going forward.

We are very fortunate to have this wonderful Bereavement Support service available to us who are bereaved, yes we all need help along the journey of Grief and I am certainly glad I took it up.

I am indebted to Linda for the support and patience she has given me so far in my journey. Finally, do not be afraid to ask for help in your Grief, there is people like Linda only to happy and willing to guide and help you at Bereavement Support.

God Bless

Alick Mackay